my mind is a mess
have you ever been so consumed in guilt, that you see the object of your guilt wherever you turn,
heard it, even though it's not there?
I can't even mourn properly because I'm suppose to be concentrating on projects and school.

The call from yesterday keeps replaying inside my head. That instant my heart dropped to my stomach and i couldn't stop the tears from running and no words could even form on my lips to thank the caller. Her words just painted a picture in my head. One i can't seem to remove even now.

Angry at myself and at them for not paying enough attention, care and whatever. Questions and what ifs keep playing in my mind. did we drive her away? did i spend enough time with her? did i show her how much she meant to me enough? did she know i love her? did i...

regrets again. I'm always regretting the same thing when someone i love leaves. I'm guilty of not showing enough love to those I love. Please stop taking those I love away from me. Or maybe it's a sign telling me I should care more about those around me and show them.

my father gave away 2 of my cats for god knows what reason before without my knowledge. and now, i lost another by my own hand. the house seems quiet. No scratching at my door, no mewing from outside my room door, no mewing to greet me when i enter the kitchen, no mewing of wanting to come out of the toilet.

oh god.i thought all the tears have dried up but its still flowing. people keep telling me its not my fault. but somehow, i still believe it is. thank you ila and charlene for letting me cry on your shoulders when i could no longer tell myself to be strong and hold them back and for hugging me when i needed it most... i love you girls.

maybe to some, it may seem like a stupid reason to cry over a pet. but, once you've lived with them for years, played with them, hugged them, love them, they grow on you and becomes a part of you, just like a human would.

and i am so sorry if i snap at any of you, if i seem selfish, if i seem mean.
the projects, deadlines, upcoming exams, are rearing its ugly head and forming eye bags and dark circles around my eyes and giving me headaches.
i wish i was a better editor, writer, presenter, etc.